Bar staff

• Guv - The landlord of the pub. He sometimes claims to be the owner, but in fact the pub is owned by the brewery and he is a tenant. Just prior to his divorce, his wife took their son and moved to France to be with her new lover, a French pub landlord. He has been involuntarily celibate since, and longs to see his son again. He has a number of politically incorrect views which he sometimes momentarily expresses, for example, the belief that only women are allowed to drink wine. He is a typical example of someone who has been emotionally neglected and shows signs that he has abandonment issues. As a result, he is very temperamental and neurotic to those around him. He idolises the man he imagines his father was, but it is often implied that Guv is the only one who doesn't know that his father isn't actually his father. He sometimes shows homosexual tendencies, despite being homophobic. In Series 2, he develops a mental condition that he calls "Barman's Hand", which makes him physically incapable of performing any bar related work whenever he tries. He also dreams of having a carvery in his pub, and to be inducted into the fabled 'Grand Order of Barstewards'. He greatly mourns the death of Princess Diana, which is the only common ground he has with his arch rival and nemesis Greg Thompson. Others are so used to calling him "Guv" (short for 'Governor') that they don't know his actual name, which he presumes to be a prank. Murray revealed years after the show ended that he and the character share the same name.
• Steve Crosby - Steve is the long term barman who lives in the pub cellar, sleeping on an old mattress between the beer barrels. During the first episode it is revealed that Steve has been working for the Guv for five years and still struggles to remember what the regulars drink and has no barman skills at all. His clumsiness is such that he has run up tens of thousands of pounds of debt by breaking glasses or damaging the pub, payable to the Guv via wage stoppages. Steve is unfazed by the amount he owes and is resigned to the fact whatever happens, goes wrong, or gets broken, he will be expected to pay for it, even on the occasions the damage was someone else's fault. He has no friends, other than the pub regulars, and is convinced that Mike the postman is his best mate. He also insists that he is a "temporary" barman until he figures out what he wants to do with his life, but has little motivation to find out what to do next; in fact he becomes distressed when his job is under threat. He is a huge fan of the television show 'Fact Hunt' and its host 'Cheeky' Alan Supple along with Ken Tucky, the owner of a fast food chicken shop. He is personally offended when either personality is mimicked, but he enjoys imitating Cheeky's trademark 'hair lift'. He reads comics and most of his understanding of the modern world comes from Guv and 'That's Impossible' magazine, and is therefore wrong. He doesn't like Janet and is regularly annoyed by her continual sexual advances towards him, but has an unrequited love for Connie. He is verbally and physically abused by others, usually Guv, but he is loyal to his fellow bar staff. Steve enjoys responding to Ms. Jackson's welcoming calls of "hellooo".
• Janet Wilson - Janet is an Australian backpacker looking for a "temporary" job. As an Australian the Guv (and all the other Landlords) believe her bar skills are far superior to anyone elses as it is 'instinctive' for an Australian to undertake bar work - in fact he thinks it's all they are good for. Janet is desperate to earn enough money to return home, but Guv avoids paying her and this puts her in a catch 22 situation as whether to wait and hope to be paid or just quit and cut her losses. She is foul-mouthed and talks almost constantly in sexual innuendo. She lusts after Steve, but has a relationship with a police surveillance operative after he was sent to investigate drug use in the pub. She hates the attention she gets from Greg Thompson and Mike. She always refers to the Guv as 'Bullet Head', due to his shaved, elongated, head. Janet detests Ms. Jackson, who she thinks is fake and uptight and this is exasperated by the fact that Jackson is deliberately rude to her. She makes constant jokes about her "last boyfriend", usually about his lack of personal hygiene. Said boyfriend eventually comes looking for Janet and causes chaos in the pub. To escape him she quits at the end of Series 1 after he worms his way into the Guv's confidence.
• Connie - Connie is the barmaid that replaces Janet. At first, she is refused a job by Guv, so she works for Greg Thompson. But she is taken on by Guv after she frees Steve from Greg's cellar and quits. She is constantly hit on by Greg who expresses his desire to marry her. She is a student who is seemingly knowledgeable in all subjects, consistently claiming that she studied it last term. She is prone to bouts of hormonal rage, and is consistently frustrated by all of the other regular characters as she tries to study for her next exam. She is also the only woman not fancied by Terry, but things come to a very unexpected conclusion in Terry's house. The Guv is obsessed with imagining her to be innocent and is in denial when he hears her swear or mentions anything lewd. It is revealed, much to the Guv's horror, that she used to be a lap dancer and a nude model.
• Gary - Gary is Guv's pet and the pub dog. In most episodes, it is revealed that Terry had been barred for doing something to Gary. As a result, Gary is usually seen in some outlandish costume.

The regulars

• Terry Brooks, the pub's regular alcoholic with an overactive (although rarely fulfilled) sex drive and a bad case of flatulence. Although this is never directly mentioned, he is clearly Guv's best friend. He is involved with several running gags. For example, in most episodes Terry manages to sneak back into the pub after being barred for various pranks on Gary (The pub's dog), Guv often refers to Terry as the "Master of Disguise" whenever he sneaks back into the pub with a rather obvious alter ego. He is often knocked out in fights with others, and has a sexual fetish towards birds. Upon meeting any woman for the first time (except Connie), Terry will always claim "that is the woman I'm going to marry". He has proposed to scores of women over his lifetime but has never actually married due to his chosen fiancée(s) not being aware of that Terry thinks they are engaged. Terry is also very much into self anal play and once ends up in A&E due to a misadventure with a number of potatoes (and a squeaky toy). He is also the first to volunteer tasting food or drink that appears disgusting, and later proclaims it to be "blinding", as he literally loses his vision.
• "Prof" (real name "Algernon"), a confirmed bachelor with an overbearing mother. He is known for his pseudo-intellectual comments and his skill on the pub's punningly named quiz machine (Fact Hunt). His nickname stems simply from the fact that he wears glasses and that he once won two pounds from the Fact Hunt game machine. The Prof leads a double life as both the "notorious railway station flasher" and a gay serial killer, both of which he refers to frequently, though the bar staff and regulars never seem to notice. It is suggested he killed an archaeologist working on a dig site in the pub's beer garden and buried him there, after his advances towards the man were rejected. It is also suggested that he is attracted to Guv, but he is just as often uninterested. The Prof hints at the fact that he really does have a massive 12 inch penis.
• "Pops" is a filthy old man with his regular table and strong Catholic beliefs, often wielding a large crucifix. He also claims to be immortal, but says it's more of a curse than a blessing. He is known for his catchphrase 'look at his face, it's a picture!', often after a joke has been played on someone. Little is known about him, but he states in the first episode that he preferred the situation to remain that way. He also blames many of the problems in his life on a faulty prophylactic, which led to the birth of his very troubled and animal hating/ killing son, Stan. He did not fight in World War 2 due to a bad foot, and is sick of people his age going on about what they did in the war. He has had a number of catastrophic car accidents that resulted in him losing his driving licence; he killed two German backpackers (much to the joy of the Guv), his wife died when he crashed into a lorry carrying party poppers, and he destroyed a Brownies campsite.
• Leslie is a huge (over 7 feet according to the Guv) biker type who sits in the corner, with his comparatively diminutive girlfriend Lesley. He almost never speaks but will growl at those who upset him and can only be calmed by an offer of free crisps. Both he and Lesley believe that their drinks are magical and that their glasses never empty; this is due to the Guv's complex mechanical contraption to keep their drinks topped up, suggesting they have never once paid for their drinks. This is done to placate Leslie and avoid confrontation. He never harms anyone without permission from Lesley (which he usually receives). He is normally content to sit quietly and watch the events in the bar. On a few occasions, he does show an attachment to Terry. On occasion, Leslie can be seen eavesdropping on the events that happen around the bar. In one episode he temporarily abandoned Lesley in order to pursue Connie who he would call "pretty" and wanted to marry.
• Lesley, is Leslie's girlfriend. She is content to sit quietly with Leslie and her Tigger toy, which both of them cherish highly and are extremely protective of. She is only slightly more talkative than Leslie, but she is far more sensitive. She enjoys watching Leslie hurt people, while drinking white wine. At one point she is seduced by Terry and falls for him. She is initially upset when he dumps her, but she quickly realises that the only man for her is Leslie. It is revealed that she and Lesley had their first sexual encounter in the pub car park.

Other main characters

• Ms. Vickie Jackson - "Ms" Jackson is the new brewery representative, and the daughter of the brewery owner. She is often looking for ways to increase the number of customers in the pub, always at Guv's disapproval. She is extremely eccentric, acting in a bizarre, overly friendly manner. She also makes a lot of references to '90's pop culture, even though she is the only person who gets the references most times. At times she feels a kinship towards the barmaids despite their obvious contempt for her due to her belittling comments. Guv refers to her as "Bloody Ms. Jackson - cow" so often that it becomes a subconscious reflex. At the end of the first series, she has a son to Uncle Barry. She has an identical sister who is a psychiatrist and appears in only one episode and is never mentioned at any other time. She is obviously attracted to Greg Thompson but does not seem to understand his flirting isn't sincere.
• "Uncle" Barry, a recovering sexaholic with black hair dye that never dries who is actually, and secretly, the Guv's real father. He later fathers a baby with Ms. Jackson after a drunken promotional night across the pub chain. He has a habit of risking his own reputation to help Guv as he feels he has let his "nephew" (son) down. He absolutely detests Greg Thompson and is often vocal about the fact. Barry runs 'The Swan' public house and frequents the Guv's pub, along with Mike and Dave, on several occasions. He also looks after the bar when the Guv has something else on.
• Greg Thompson, currently holds the title of "King Barsteward". He is also the Landlord for the nearby 'Queen of Hearts' pub (formally the 'Cock and Beaver' - the name was changed in memory of Princess Diana, but he thinks the public have now lost interest in her and is planning to rename the pub again once one of the Spice Girls dies). He is a charming ladies' man, often seen with a lady on each arm, who is violent towards men. He is also shown as a stereotypical bully by preying on the weak but cowering before those that stand up to him. He often uses double entendres to imply he has a large penis, and then immediately informs the listener outright that he was implying it. This leads to women who know him assuming that innocent phrases were meant as innuendos. He then explains that he meant the phrase literally but then acts as they had expected. adding an intentional innuendo and making eventually assuming innocent phrases were intentional innuendoes, which leads to him explaining he meant the phrase literally before behaving as accused. He is fond of snakes and keeps a python. Greg graduated from Landlord Academy with the Guv, whom he calls "Slops" after the latter was caught drinking from a slops tray in the dorm. Greg regards his family as very important; in fact there is "nothing more important than family". This dedication only lasts so long as it does not drag Greg into any difficult or confrontational encounters. On one occasion it is revealed that Greg has a son but he resents that fact he has to see him once every four weeks and he is not even sure of his name. He is overprotective of the boy after a confrontation with the Guv, but becomes instantly irritated by having to look after him. Greg is very fond of his nephew Kas (who is called Ashley or Gary by some sources) and once again he shows his overprotective nature towards a family member. That is until Kas is arrested for criminal damage, where up on Greg denies all knowledge of him.

Other Significant Characters:

• Mike and Dave, a pair of landlords who are always seen together. Mike is somewhat of a fool who is always embarrassing Dave. They are also two of the leading members of the Grand Order of Barstewards (with Ms. Jackson, Barry and Greg). They sometimes behave like a couple despite not being in that kind of relationship.
• Mike the "Postie"^[1] - Mike (played by co-author, Richard Herring) is a postman who is known in the pub simply as 'Postie'. He hates Steve, even though Steve thinks they are friends. He fancies Janet, but Janet is turned off by his attitude towards Steve. He is also very sensitive about the shape of his face, because Janet (from whom he seeks approval) always calls him "bean-face".
• "Fat" Tony 'Arris (aka Moon Man) - Tony is an obese former brewery representative and gave his life and soul to the brewery; he was absolutely distraught at losing his job. He and the Guv had a fairly good working relationship, but the Guv only remained friends with him in the hope that Tony could use his position as a brewery rep to fulfil the Guv's dream of owning a carvery. He was also the King Barsteward before he was replaced, by Ms. Jackson, due to health issues. He is typically drunk or otherwise unconscious when he is shown on screen.
• Mr. Jackson - Ms. Jackson's father and the owner of the brewery. He is only seen in two episodes, but his presence has a constant effect on Guv, Steve and Ms. Jackson. He expresses himself as a powerful man and he does not tolerate anyone that does not bow to his every whim. He delights in explaining his unique, and prohibitively expensive, multistage method of exacting his vengeance. His favourite meal is rat sandwiches which he claims reminds him of his youth
• Prof's Mother - Prof's Mother is an unnamed character who acts as a refined, overly religious lady in front of her son, often condemning him for being in the pub. But when Prof is not nearby, she drops her self-righteous facade and is found to be a foul-mouthed harridan.
• Guv's Mother - Guv's Mother was an abusive parent who frequently cheated on her husband. She resents Guv for being born when he was. One episode reveals that she has had a fling with Barry, Terry and the Prof (despite him being covertly gay) at one time or other. She is normally seen in memory sequences, although she does visit the pub on one occasion, where it becomes apparent that the Guv's memories of her are actually very accurate to her true personality.

Series 1 (2000–2001)

Series 2 (2001–2002)